Merry Christmas !

Why the angel is on top of the tree:



Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems every where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit...

This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where...more stress.

And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys...so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree??

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree
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What to give an optimist & pessimist:



A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
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The Christmas Fairies



Once upon a time, in the Christmas Tree Forest there lived the Christmas fairies. They spent most of their time practising sitting on top of the Christmas trees. There was just one rule they had to stick to... it was strictly forbidden for a fairy to kiss anyone! 
The trouble was that Floella was a wicked little fairy.

One day Harry the Hare was hopping through the forest when he saw Floella sitting on top of a toadstool, combing her hair. Floella said, 'Hello, handsome, give us a kiss!'

Harry the Hare was shocked. 'Father Christmas doesn't allow it!' he gasped. 'Anyone caught kissing a fairy will be turned straight away into Goon!'

But Floella tickled his ears - just the way hares love and whispered, 'Don't worry, we won't get caught!'

Harry the Hare trembled with fear and excitement. He looked carefully over his furry brown shoulder, saw that no-one was looking... and kissed Floella the fairy!

Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!!! of wind. Through the magic of the Christmas Tree Forest Harry the Hare found himself in the court of Father Christmas!

And Father Christmas was furious! 'Harry the Hare! You have been found guilty of kissing a forest fairy! Have you anything to say?'

'I never meant to!' Harry the Hare snivelled. 'If you let me off I promise I'll never do it again... just please, please!!! PLEASE!!! don't turn me into a Goon!'

Father Christmas took pity on the pathetic creature and said, 'I'll give you one more chance...just one more!'

Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!! of wind. Harry the Hare found himself back in the forest. And there, combing her hair on a toadstool was Floella the Fairy.

'Hiya, handsome,' she whispered. 'Give us a kiss!'

Harry the Hare was horrified! Certainly not!' he cried. But when she tickled his ears his legs turned to jelly and he started to tremble.
'Oooh! No! I'll be turned into a Goon!
'For one little kiss from me it's worth it!' Floella murmured.
And Harry the Hare gave in. He kissed the fairy.

Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!!! of wind. Once again Harry the Hare found himself in front of the furious Father Christmas!

'You foolish hare!' Father Christmas roared. 'You have had your chance! Guards! Take him away - turn him into a Goon tomorrow!'

Harry the Hare hung his head and let himself be led away. As he reached the door of the court he turned to all the gnomes and forest creatures and said tearfully...
'Ah, well, that's life! Hare today...and Goon tomorrow!'
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Sorry, but I could only find these corny jokes for the season. :)

Anyhow, ya'll have a MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!

Keep Smiling!
-Doug-

Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.

The Seal:

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender.

"Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.
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A three-foot midget walks into a bar and slips over on a pile of s**t. Minutes later a huge tough guy walks into the bar and slips over on the pile of s**t, the midget says to the big guy, "I just did that", and the big guy punches the midgets lights out.
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People say the funniest things when they’re drunk:

A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!"
The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass and yells "CHEERS!" and downs their drinks.

The bartender says "That'll be $37.50."

The drunk says, "I don't have any money!"

This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and beats the living daylights out of the drunk and throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says, "I'd like to buy the whole bar a drink, and get one for yourself, too."

The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He makes the drinks and they all say, "Salute!" and down the drinks.

The bartender says, "That'll be $42.50."

The drunk replies by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers, and making a loud raspberry noise followed by, "I don't have any money !"

This angers the bartender even more than the first time. He jumps over the bar and beats the hell out of the drunk and throws him out into the street onto his face and kicks him a few times for good measure.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything the bartender says, "Let me guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too, right?"

The drunk replies, "No way, you get too violent when you drink!"
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Hope you enjoyed these bad jokes. ... now, peel me a grape! :)

Keep Smiling !
-Doug-