Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Airline Rules:

Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
**********************************
Cussing:


A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."


"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.


Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."


WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"


She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?


"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
**********************************
Dust:


A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer:

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice:

"Mommy, what is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point.
***********************************
Keep Smiling !
-Doug-

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

The Bear, Rabbit, Magic Frog:


Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside.
The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out
to them and asked them to stop.

Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first
two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."

The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this
forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.
It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the
neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."

Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle. The bear took his last wish. "I
would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said
"I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out of hell.
***********************************

Joke: Public Works:


A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job
with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of
a rural road.

The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that
she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per
day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions
and started right away.

The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that
the blonde had completed four miles on her first day, double
the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really
going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the
blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought,
"Well she's still at the average and I don't want to
discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet." The third day
however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought,
"I need to talk to her before this gets any worse."

The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing
so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day
two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there
a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you
from meeting the two-mile minimum?"

The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther
and farther away from the bucket."
***********************************

KEEP SMILING !
-Doug-