Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Airline Rules:

Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
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Cussing:


A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."


"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.


Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."


WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"


She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?


"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
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Dust:


A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer:

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice:

"Mommy, what is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point.
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Keep Smiling !
-Doug-

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

The Bear, Rabbit, Magic Frog:


Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside.
The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out
to them and asked them to stop.

Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first
two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."

The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this
forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.
It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the
neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."

Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle. The bear took his last wish. "I
would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said
"I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out of hell.
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Joke: Public Works:


A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job
with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of
a rural road.

The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that
she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per
day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions
and started right away.

The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that
the blonde had completed four miles on her first day, double
the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really
going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the
blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought,
"Well she's still at the average and I don't want to
discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet." The third day
however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought,
"I need to talk to her before this gets any worse."

The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing
so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day
two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there
a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you
from meeting the two-mile minimum?"

The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther
and farther away from the bucket."
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KEEP SMILING !
-Doug-

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?

Love/Hate:

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now." (Rodney Dangerfield)
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Hat:

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!" (Myron Cohen)
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Deep Thought:

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!" (Jack Handey)
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Bear:

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."
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Keep Smiling!
-Doug-

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Bra Shopping:

A very flat-chested Blond finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, ?Do you have a size 28AAAA bra??
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.

Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, ? Do you have anything for this??

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil ?"
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Cross-eyed Dog:

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"
"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
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Einstein & God

Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord...
"God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

"Einstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Einstein asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."
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As Always,

KEEP SMILING!!
-Doug-

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Glad to be drunk:

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
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Need Samples:

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
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Voice:

A guy went home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice whispered to him: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man was disturbed about what he heard and ignored the voice. The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice whispered to him: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignored the voice, though he was very troubled by the event. Every day, the man was tormented by the same voice when he came home from work: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man heard the voice he became increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house, got together all his money and headed to Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane in Vegas, the voice told him, Go to Harrah's." So he hopped in a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice echoed, "Go to the roulette table." The man did as he was told. When he arrived at the roulette table, the voice firmly told him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and then put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caromed. The man anxiously watched the ball as it slowly lost speed until finally it settled into number . . . 21. The voice said, "Damn..."
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KEEP SMILING !
-Doug-

Happy New Year !

My Resolutions:

1. Just for today, I will not sit in my den all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

2. Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at court.

3. Continue to help O.J. find the real killer.

4. Never send e-mail while I'm drinking, especially since those guys at the Pentagon seem to have no sense of humor.

5. Find out why that correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased never showed up.

6. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.

7. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.

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Ok, I'm actually thrilled to put 2006 behind me, it pretty much sucked hammers. :)

Here's hopeing 2007 will be a lot better for me and all ya'll !

As always, KEEP SMILING !!

HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!!!!!!!!!!

-Doug-

Merry Christmas !

Why the angel is on top of the tree:



Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems every where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit...

This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where...more stress.

And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys...so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree??

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree
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What to give an optimist & pessimist:



A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
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The Christmas Fairies



Once upon a time, in the Christmas Tree Forest there lived the Christmas fairies. They spent most of their time practising sitting on top of the Christmas trees. There was just one rule they had to stick to... it was strictly forbidden for a fairy to kiss anyone! 
The trouble was that Floella was a wicked little fairy.

One day Harry the Hare was hopping through the forest when he saw Floella sitting on top of a toadstool, combing her hair. Floella said, 'Hello, handsome, give us a kiss!'

Harry the Hare was shocked. 'Father Christmas doesn't allow it!' he gasped. 'Anyone caught kissing a fairy will be turned straight away into Goon!'

But Floella tickled his ears - just the way hares love and whispered, 'Don't worry, we won't get caught!'

Harry the Hare trembled with fear and excitement. He looked carefully over his furry brown shoulder, saw that no-one was looking... and kissed Floella the fairy!

Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!!! of wind. Through the magic of the Christmas Tree Forest Harry the Hare found himself in the court of Father Christmas!

And Father Christmas was furious! 'Harry the Hare! You have been found guilty of kissing a forest fairy! Have you anything to say?'

'I never meant to!' Harry the Hare snivelled. 'If you let me off I promise I'll never do it again... just please, please!!! PLEASE!!! don't turn me into a Goon!'

Father Christmas took pity on the pathetic creature and said, 'I'll give you one more chance...just one more!'

Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!! of wind. Harry the Hare found himself back in the forest. And there, combing her hair on a toadstool was Floella the Fairy.

'Hiya, handsome,' she whispered. 'Give us a kiss!'

Harry the Hare was horrified! Certainly not!' he cried. But when she tickled his ears his legs turned to jelly and he started to tremble.
'Oooh! No! I'll be turned into a Goon!
'For one little kiss from me it's worth it!' Floella murmured.
And Harry the Hare gave in. He kissed the fairy.

Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!!! of wind. Once again Harry the Hare found himself in front of the furious Father Christmas!

'You foolish hare!' Father Christmas roared. 'You have had your chance! Guards! Take him away - turn him into a Goon tomorrow!'

Harry the Hare hung his head and let himself be led away. As he reached the door of the court he turned to all the gnomes and forest creatures and said tearfully...
'Ah, well, that's life! Hare today...and Goon tomorrow!'
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Sorry, but I could only find these corny jokes for the season. :)

Anyhow, ya'll have a MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!

Keep Smiling!
-Doug-

Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.

The Seal:

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender.

"Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.
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A three-foot midget walks into a bar and slips over on a pile of s**t. Minutes later a huge tough guy walks into the bar and slips over on the pile of s**t, the midget says to the big guy, "I just did that", and the big guy punches the midgets lights out.
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People say the funniest things when they’re drunk:

A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!"
The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass and yells "CHEERS!" and downs their drinks.

The bartender says "That'll be $37.50."

The drunk says, "I don't have any money!"

This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and beats the living daylights out of the drunk and throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says, "I'd like to buy the whole bar a drink, and get one for yourself, too."

The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He makes the drinks and they all say, "Salute!" and down the drinks.

The bartender says, "That'll be $42.50."

The drunk replies by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers, and making a loud raspberry noise followed by, "I don't have any money !"

This angers the bartender even more than the first time. He jumps over the bar and beats the hell out of the drunk and throws him out into the street onto his face and kicks him a few times for good measure.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything the bartender says, "Let me guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too, right?"

The drunk replies, "No way, you get too violent when you drink!"
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Hope you enjoyed these bad jokes. ... now, peel me a grape! :)

Keep Smiling !
-Doug-

Goodbye Dear Mom

In Memory of Doris Posten (Mom)
Feb. 20,1926-Nov.23,2006

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Please, God, forgive a silent tear,
A fervent wish our Mom was here,
There are others, yes we know,
But she was ours, we loved her so,
Dear God, take a message,
To our mother in heaven above,
Tell her how much we miss her,
And give her all our love.

Happy Turkey Day!

Black November / A Turkey's Lament:

 When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
 My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

 Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
 And he told me there was something that I had to know;

 His look and his tone I will always remember,
 When he told me of the horrors of ..... Black November;

 "Come about August, now listen to me,
 Each day you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
 And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.

 "And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
 In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;

 "Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald'n pink,
 And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink,

 "And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,
 "She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".

 Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
 I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

 And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
 I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;

 I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
 High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola,

 And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
 I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes,

 I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
 And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

 But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
 As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

 And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
 I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

 So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
 I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap,

 She held me today, while sewing and humming,
 And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming........"
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Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don't know something,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you're tired and weary,
because it means you've made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who
are also thankful for the setbacks.
Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,
and they can become your blessings.

Author unknown.
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Keep Smiling!
-Doug-