Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

The Devoted Wife
 


 
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, ''''You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?''''

''''What, my dear?'''' she asked gently.

''''I think you bring me bad luck.''''
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Tooth


A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
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Room



After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
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KEEP SMILING !!
-Doug_

Magazine

One day mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?" 
Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."
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Final Words

An Episcopal Priest, a Catholic Priest, and a Rabbi die in a car crash. They go to heaven for orientation. They are all asked,
"When you are in your casket, and friends, family, and congregates are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?"
The Episcopal Priest says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family
man.
"The Catholic Priest says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher and a servant of God who made a huge difference in
people's lives.
"The Rabbi replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!"
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Beware of voices

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his
situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm screwed." There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT
screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to
bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native
warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: "Okay.......NOW you're screwed!"
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Help

A priest was walking down his street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press the doorbell on a house. The boy
was very short and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moved closer to the boy. He crossed the street, walked up behind the little
fellow, placed his hand kind-heartedly on the child's shoulder leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy
replied, "Now we run!"
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KEEP SMILING!
-Doug-