The Gates of Gardendale

Joke:

Gates Of Hell

Bill Gates croaked it and met his maker, and God said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and we even have them up here now, yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.

Bill Gates said, "What's the difference between the two?" God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek. I've set up webcams at both places. Shall we look at Hell first?" Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear blue waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven." God said, "Here then" and clicked on his mouse and they viewed Heaven. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell." "As you wish," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with pitchforks. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This isn't what we watched at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?" "Oh, that," said God. "That was the screen saver..."

****************************************************
At Home:

In case you might be wondering about today's title ,"The Gates"... no real reason other than that I had been reading about these stupid sheets of 'saffron' fabric that have been installed in Central Park in New York by some goofey "artist" at a cost of 20+million dollars . They call this 'art'? To me, it looks like a gay brothel on laundry day..... but that's just my opinion.

I went to the doctor today. Things are still going well. I had the stitches removed from my new and improved thumb. YIKES! Didn't hurt a bit .... well, not too much anyhow. I don't think I used more than a handful of swear words while the doc pulled them out. ;)

The doc did give me another 2 weeks off work. YES! ... I mean, Darn!.. Wink,Wink :) It's not that I mind working....really, ......no, really. .... Come on ! ...I've only been off for the last 3 weeks and the doc said it'd be like 8 weeks before I can start using this thing. Right now, it's still so swollen, if I took off the cast and waved... people would think I was shaking a baby. ;)

I've noticed Tiff hasn't done an update on her blog in a while.... we may all have to go there and leave 'slacker' comments. Hmmmmm ? Tiff ?

*************************************************
Anecdote:

Edison,Charles (1890-1969), US politician. The son of Thomas Alva Edison, he was governor of New Jersey from 1941-1944.

Campaigning for the governorship in 1940, Edison was anxious to dissociate himself from his father's renown. " I would not have anyone believe I am trading on the name Edison," he would explain as he introduced himself. " I would rather have you know me merely as the result of one of my father's earlier experiments." :)
*************************************************
Fini:

Well, ladies and germs, I hope ya'll enjoyed another day in Doug's somewhat twisted brain. Oh... and don't REALLY go to Tiff's blog and make slacker comments... not yet, we'll give her a day or two more before we let her have it. ;)
......again, 'wink,wink'. :)

Till Next Time !
KEEP SMILING!!!!!
-Doug-

What do you call this ?

Joke:

A father and son went fishing one day. As they sat in the boat for a couple of
hours, they did not have much to do. The son started thinking about the world around him. He began to get curious. So, he asked his father some questions.

"How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another one, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

Once again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later, the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

His father immediately assured him, "Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"

***************************************************

At Home:

I'm still on the mend. The pain is mostly gone, it only hurts if I try to move it. :) Really, I think everythings going well. I saw the doc on Monday... he looked at the x-ray, looked at my new 'thumb',and told his nurse to re-wrap it, then he walked out. He didn't actually 'say' anything to me though... well, he did say " Hi, let's take a look" when he came into the room.... that was pretty much it. I would assume that if there was any concern, he would have mentioned it.(?) Don't get me wrong , I feel very lucky to have this doctor. He's probably the best in B'ham....if not the entire state,perhaps the entire Southeast. I would preferr more info from him, but I've seen him treat others in the same manner,so, I'm not offended.... he's just in demand and must see as many people as possible. I know he must be pretty much 'rich' already... so, I don't think it's about the money for him, even if he's probably pulling in a cool mil +/- a year. I think for him, it's about really helping as many people as he can, so, he dosen't have a lot of time for each person. He has the talent to restore people with very bad injuries to a somewhat 'normal' life.

I've had people who have said to me that if they had had the injury I did, they'd just have had their thumb removed and went on without it. Well, I would have lost half of my hand, not just the thumb. Also, this last 10 months, I've had to be without a thumb on my right hand and I am 'right handed'. You can't imagin not being able to hold things like you always have .... to hold a pen and sign your name, to pick up a glass, to just shake someone's hand... the everyday things in life that you take for granted. If this had been my left hand..... things probably would have been different, maybe I would have just done without my thumb. The point I'm getting at is... #1: Be thankful for what you have, cause you may not always have it. . and #2 : If, God forbid, you ever need a 'hand specialist' , you need to see DR. Ostrowski at Brookwood Hospital.

In other things... The weather has been so-so this week... a little rain, a bit of sun. It's not been cold but at the same time... it's not been exactually warm... kinda in between. Bobbie and I are planning to make a run to the lake in the morning. Going to take the dogs and might even spend the night... depends on how we feel... and the weather.

My mom had her 79th b'day this week. She's doing pretty good. I'm grateful that my brother,Paul and his wife are living with mom now to take care of her.

****************************
Fini

I hope ya'll don't mind if I skip the 'anecdote' once more.... I haven't looked one up in my 'The Little Brown Book Of Anecdotes' ... and I'd really like finish this up so I can get it posted before we head for the lake in the morn.

I've add a link to Tiff's blog, I hope she don't mind... if she does... I'll remove it. .. I seem to be having a bit of trouble reaching her. If ya'll haven't noticed, I've had one to Bobbie's blog ('My better half') for the past week... give them, and me a comment if you'd like.

'Till next time..

KEEP SMILING !!!!!!
Doug

ps...... I enoy comments from everybody...so, even if you're just 'surfin' and don't know me.... leave one anyhow. K?

The Crab Shack

Joke:

A woman goes to the doctor.

Doctor: What seems to be the problem ?

Woman: Doc, you've got to help me. I've got this terrible gas problem. I fart constantly. They're silent farts and they don't smell at all, but still, I fart all the time. As a matter of fact, I'm sure you're not aware of this but I've farted at least twenty times since we've started this conversation.

The doctor gives her some pills and tells her to come back in one week. The next week she returns and tells the doctor,

Woman: Doc, you've really got to help me now. I'm still farting, but now, the farts stink to high heaven... it's the worse odor I've ever smelled.

Doctor: Well, we seem to have your sinus problem under control, now, we need to work on your hearing problem.

*********************************** :)

At Home:

Hey Ya'll !

Not much new going on here. I'm still on the mend and things are going well. There's still no gangrene....... I'm happy to say. :)

My next doctor appointment is Monday... but other than some continued discomfort, I think things are going as well as could be expected.

Bobbie and I went to 'Joe's Crab Shack' for lunch.. ( Tiff, you missed out! ) ... Man, it was execellent! We shared a 33 piece shrimp dinneer + crab stuffed mushrooms... and a couple 'rita's'.... Jezzzs,stuffed city! We had steaks thawed out for supper, neither one of us even considered cooking. I guess we'll have that tomorrow. ...... I could eat now though....hmmm ,1:05 am, think I should give Bobbie a gentle shake and see if she'd cook me some eggs? :)

***********************************


Fini

No 'Anecdotes" either, I'm afraid.... I having a REALLY bad time with this Mac today.. I'm getting knocked off-line every 2-3 minutes and it's just sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hard not to just to commit 'computercide'..... know what I mean? Until next time...

KEEP SMILING!!!
Doug

Ouch ! That's better.

Joke:

Three men were standing in line to get into Heaven. Saint Peter came up to the first man and says that Heaven is getting full for the day and he has been instructed to only admit people who have suffered a horrible death. Saint Peter says, " So, tell me your story." The man says, " Well, for months now, I've suspected my wife of cheating on me. Today, I came home early to try to catch her red handed. I searched the entire apartment and didn't find anyone. Then, I went out onto the balcony and find a man hanging off the railing by his finger tips. I get so mad I start stomping his hands but he won't let go. So, then I start hitting him with my fists but he still refuses to fall. Finally, I go in and get a hammer. I start beating his fingers until he can't take it any longer. He falls twenty five floors to the ground. I look over the rail and can't believe my eyes, he's fallen into some bushes and seems to be unhurt. I get so mad I run into the kitchen and drag out the refigerator and fling it over the rail. It falls directly on top of the man and kills him. I then suffer a massive heart attack from all the stress and die."

Saint Peter then explains the crowded situation to the second man in line and asks for his story. The man replies, " Each day, I go onto my balcony to do my exercises. Today, it had been raining earlier and I guess I slipped on a wet spot and fell over the rail. Luckly, I caught hold of the railing of the balcony below my apartment. Just as I think I'm saved, this guy runs out and starts stomping on my hands. I hold on for all I'm worth. He then starts hitting me with his fists but I still refused to let go. He then gets a hammer and wails the crap out of my fingers and I just couldn't hold on any longer. I fall twenty five stories and land in some bushes which break my fall. I lay there for a minute, thanking God to be alive, when suddenly a refrigerator falls from the sky and kills me."

Saint Peter then asks the third man what happened to him. The man says, " Okay, try to imagine this.... I'm hiding in a refigerator...."

************************************
At Home:

Well, I went to the doctor yesterday. He removed my cast and we got to see my 'new' thumb for the first time since the bone implant. There is NO GANGRENE! Yea !!!! I know, there is still a possibility that it could develop but the last two times this has happened, it was there within 3 days ... and it's been a whole week now since the operation, so, I'm pretty optimistic. I also know I shouldn't get too excited yet, there are a couple of other things that could still go wrong before this is healed but the gangrene thing has been my greatest worry.

I was also happy to find I could already move my 'thumb'. I didn't know how it was being held together until the doctor explained the whole operation to me yesterday. (You'd think I would have already had this info but the doc changed his mind on what he was going to do... and I wasn't told until like 3 minutes before they wheeled me into the operating room and knocked me out.) Anyhow, what he did was.... he drilled a hole into the bone that was already in my hand and then filed down the donor bone he was implanting in until it was just a little bit bigger than the hole. He then took a hammer and tapped the new bone into the hole so he wouldn't have to use screws to hold it in place. Ouch ! Now, I'm told not to try moving it again until there is time for the two bones to fuse together. It should take 6-8 weeks to heal.

It hurts a little... okay, it can hurt a lot... but I have meds to control the pain,so, it's okay.... and the pain shouldn't last too much longer. It's kind of like having a bad break.

Thanks to everyone who has been here for me. Your calls, e-mails, e-cards and prayers have really lifted my spirits and made a huge difference during all this.

In other things....
Bobbie has been having the sniffles. I hope she's not getting the flu. It's probably just a cold. I'll have to go get her some more whiskey...er , I mean cold medicine tomorrow. Whiskey? Wait, I think I might be catching it too! ;)

I had a nice visit with Tiffany last night .... which is always enjoyable. She wrote Bobbie and me a very sweet note for Valentine's Day... it goes into my 'treasure box'. She can be soooo sweet ...sometimes. ;) I hope we might be able to get together again soon.

**************************************
Anecdote

James, Jesse (1847-82) US train- and bank-robber

On one occasion Jesse James and his gang sought food and rest at a lonely farmhouse. The woman there gave them what food she could and apologized for the poor hospitality. A widow and deeply in debt, she was even then waiting for the debt collector to visit her to demand $1,400, which she could not possibly afford to pay. Jesse James had the spoils of one of his bank raids with him. He gave the astonished woman enough to pay off her debt, telling her to make sure to get a receipt from the debt collector. Then he and his gang withdrew to watch the road leading to the farmhouse. Along came the debt collector, looking very grim. A short time later he emerged from the farm, looking altogether more pleased with himself. Jesse James and his men stopped him, recovered their $1,400, and rode off.

***********************************************

Fini

Good Night Ya'll ! Until next time !
KEEP SMILING !!
Doug

later...

Joke:

A doctor is being interviewed by a reporter :

reporter : what would you do if someone fell out and died as they were leaving your office ?
Doc : well, first thing I'd do, is turn them around,
reporter: why is that ?
Doc : so it would look like they were coming in..... :)
***********************************************
At home :

Well , I had a different operation than I was expecting....

Just before the surgery, the doc says..." oh, instead of taking a bone off your hip, I thought I'd just use one from the 'bone bank'. " ..... ooookayyy ??? ,,,, and, why didn't I hear of this option before ? ... and, I hope this will be better for me than it was for the poor dead sap that the bone came from.
Doc says " couldn't be worse for you than it was for him ."
Great ! Just stick it in... and what was your name again ?.... Dr Mingala ? .... I know I misspelled that, but you get the point.
Anyhow, gotta wait until next week to see about gangrene, wish me luck !
************************************************

Anecdote :

Carter, Jimmy ( 1924- ) , 39th president of the United States. ( 1977-81 )

Before moving into the White House, Mrs. Carter was anxious to discover whether the chef there could cook the kind of meals the Carters enjoyed at home in the South. " Yes, ma'am," was the reply. " We've been fixing that kind of food for the servants for a long time."

*************************************************

Fini :

Well, this has taken a while to type, only being able to use my left hand.... and only one finger then. Hope you liked it... let me know ! If it's too goofey, we'll blame it on the pain meds... ;)

C'ya !
Keep smiling !!!!!
Doug

Under The knife

Joke

One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.


The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."


Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?"


The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water." ;)

*********************************************
At Home

Well, tomorrow ( Tuesday ) is the big day. I have been waiting for this surgery for ... what? 9 long months now. I am a bit nervous but I think everything will work out okay. The doctor will take a bone from my hip and implant it into the graft that is attached to my hand,,,, then I'll have a 'new' thumb. Yea !!! It's amazing what modern medicine can do. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I was wondering .... with a hip bone in there... when I walk, will my thumb swing from side to side ? ;)

Yesterday, I recieved a e-card from my 'daughter of my heart', Federica. She is such a dear caring person. Thank you, God, for bringing her into my life. I must have done something right to be blessed with people who care for me so much. ...and don't worry too much, Sunshine, Bobbie will be there taking good care of me. Bobbie is another true blessing in my life. I really don't deserve such a wonderful wife but I'll keep her anyhow. ;)

I'll be off work for a few weeks,so, I'll try to post more often.... of course, I might be stoned from the pain meds, so if my next posts are really stupid or rambling.... blame it on the drugs. :) .... and if they are really stupid, Bobbie will tell me and I'll just go back and delete them. ;)

*******************************************

Anecdote:

Marx, Chico (1892-1961) US movie comedain, one of the famous Marx Brothers

Marx's wife had caught him kissing a chorus girl. Durning the ensuing row, Chico declared: " I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering in her mouth."

*******************************************
Fini

I hope all ya'll have a great week! I'll make a new post soon. Until then....
KEEP SMILING !
Doug