Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant.

Timbuktu




The two finalists were a Yale graduate and a redneck. The final contest was for them to make a poem in 2 minutes containing a word that would be given to them by the judges. The word was "TIMBUKTU".

The Yale graduate was the first to give his poem:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.


The audience went wild. They thought the redneck would never stand a chance against him-a YALE graduate.

Nevertheless, the redneck stood up and gave his poem:

Me and Tim a hunting went,
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.


The redneck won hands down.
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Redneck Jury


A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.
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How Do You Spell That?


Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
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KEEP SMILING !
-Doug-
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I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
- Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

Irish



Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin.

They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

“Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints.

And then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good.

I had four or five o’ those.

Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn’t be rude, ye know.

Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..”

And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.”

Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me?”
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Five Iron



A man staggers into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture."

“We went to look for them, and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt."

“That’s when I made my big mistake. I lifted the cow’s tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’

“I don't remember much after that."
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Stupid Joke:

Q: What did the mummy buffalo say to herchild as he left for school?

A: Bison
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Keep Smiling !
-Doug-
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If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
- Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOBBIE SUE !!

Bobbie will be celebrating her b'day Saturday, Oct.8th. I'll be away from the computer for a couple days,so, I wanted to post a birthday blog for her now. Give her a call on her cell if you ave her # or post a comment on her blog. (Click on 'My Better Half' on this page)
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Birthday Present:

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling �I'll see you in two hours!"
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Birthday Thoughts:

A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday, but even knows what she's going to exchange it for.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. 
~Herbert Asquith

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. 
~Lucille Ball

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. 
~Jennifer Yane

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age."
--Robert Frost

Old age is not for sissies.
--Bette Davis

"Count your life by smiles, not tears. Count your age by friends, not years."

"Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old age" - Victor Hugo

"Growing old is mandatory… growing up is optional!"

"I don't believe in aging. I believe in forever altering ones aspect to the sun." Virginia Woolf

"We know when we´re getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it."

You are only as old as you act!

"So many candles... so little cake."

"The more candles, the bigger the wish."

"I never forget my wife´s birthday. It´s usually the day after she reminds me about it."

A little patch I was keeping for my birthday," he said; "but after all, what are birthdays? Here today and gone tomorrow. Help yourself, Tigger." Eeyore

"Birthdays are good for you: the more you have the longer you live." Unknown source

There is still no cure for the common birthday.  ~John Glen

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.  ~Jerry M. Wright

Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier.  ~Dan Bennett

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.  ~Author Unknown
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I was going to post a list of famous people who also were born on Oct. 8th but the list was too long. I should mention however that Bobbie also shares her b'day with. .........
The Rev. Jesse Jackson ! . .... Oh No ! :)
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Happy Birthday Bobbie!
I Love You!
-Doug-

When man discovered milk came from cows, what did he think he was doing ?

President Bush:

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying, "And yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" Mr. Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"


His staff sits stunned at this sudden outward display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands, almost sobbing.

Finally, the president looks up and asks, "Just how many is a brazillion, anyway?"
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Rev. Jesse Jackson:

Jesse Jackson, while visiting a primary school class, found himself in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy."

So the illustrious religious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."


A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it sure as heck wouldn't be an accident, either."
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Keep Smiling!
-Doug-
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To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
- Jack Handy Deep Thoughts