We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse

Experienced Drinker

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell
the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says,
"Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."
A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of
the man and says, "Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yeergghhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"
The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"
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Stern Sibling

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her five-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. 
"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
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3 Old Men

Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them at that time of life.
The 80 year old said : "The best thing that could happen to me is to be able to have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles
and hurts, and I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year old said: "The best thing could happen to me is if I could have a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I
can get my hands on and it is still a problem."
The 90 year old man said: "That's not my problem, every morning at 6:00 am sharp I have a good long pee and at 6:30 sharp I
have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me is if I could wake up before 7:00."
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Good news, bad news

A man walks into a doctor's office and the doctor says to him, " I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," the patient says.
"The good news is that your penis is going to be two inches longer and an inch wider," the doctor replies.
"That's great!" says the patient." What's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "It's malignant."
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Psychiatrist

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on
his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an statement of delight and said, "Um, I think
your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers like you."