Short and Sweet

FBI Assassin

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists... Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room.

All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another.

They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them!
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At Home:

I know my last post was a bit angry. ... I was just venting about crap from work. My new bosses were being a-holes and had placed me in a pissy mood. They seemed to want to make changes to make themselves look good to the higher up's. It wasn't just about taking away our lunch breaks. ... they were also screwing me over. .... having me do someone else's work and blowing smoke up my butt at the same time. This week, I'm working 2nd shift, so I don't have to deal with these back stabbers.
B&I spend several days at the lake. We had a very relaxing time, so now I'm in a much better mood. ;) We had a lot of fun. ... spent time with friends, boat riding, cooking out, shopping, met some new neighbors. I was able to get in some good fishing. I'm getting a lot better casting my rods using 2 hands.
I could share more but it's late and I gotta get my butt to bed.
Until next time:
KEEP SMILING !
-Doug-

I'm on VACATION. ... and you're not! Nannor,Nannor,Nannor!

+--------------- Bizarre Facts About Humans ---------------+

People who live in the city have longer, thicker nose hairs
than people who live in the country.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every 2
weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the
palms of their hands.

The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to
squirt blood 30 feet.

We shed an average of 40 pounds of dead skin in a lifetime.

When we blush, our stomach lining also turns red.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Your tongue print is as unique as your fingerprint.

We get goose bumps where our ancestors used to have hair.

On a square inch of our skin, there are 20 million micro-
scopic animals.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until
the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

******************************
At Home:

I hope all ya'll are working hard. ... cause I'm Not! I've decided to get away from work for a few days. ... away from all the BS. I'm really getting tired of listening to the lies some people think you actually believe. I mean, contrary to popular belief, I'm not stupid.
We've got new bosses at work. The first order of business was for them to take away our lunch break. We were told that we could either eat on the job or take a 30 minute break and work 30 minutes late. What kind of crap is that? The bad thing is. ... these new bosses are my fellow co-workers who have just been promoted. These same people were taking breaks with the rest of us just 2 weeks ago.
In other wonderful news, the bone in my new and improved thumb has worn a hole though the skin and I can now see and touch it. GREAT!
. ..... Okay, thats enough belly aching. I'm on vacation ! I know what I just wrote seems like I'm in a bad mood. ... but I'm not really, just venting. Everyone should vent every now and then. :)
I'm REALLY looking forward to the next few days. Just relaxing, maybe do a little fishing, bbq'ing, perhaps even getting the blender out for a frozen treat. ... and of course I'll be chasing B around constantly. She took a few days off too. ;)
So, while the rest of you are working this week, I'll be thinking of you. ... NOT! :)
Fun in the sun! That's my motto! I think I'll get a tee shirt with that printed on the front.
Okay, I need to get started. Ya'll don't work too hard! Wink,wink!
KEEP SMILING!
-Doug-

Another Corny Blog

British Hospitality
        
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group
and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights,
and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local
culture, chat with the lads, and  have a pint of Guinness.
        
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class
neighborhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no
restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really,
really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a narrow
side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and
decides to use the wall to solve  his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London
Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you
know."
        
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I
really, really  HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
        
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me". He leads him
to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he
opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful
garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains,
sculptured hedges, and beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's  blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly
relieved.

As he goes back  thru the gate, he says to the Bobbie

"That was really decent of you . . . is that what you call "British
Hospitality?"
  
"No" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face,
"that is what  we call the French Embassy."
***********************************
AT Home:

I have been very busy this week. I bought a pressure washer last Saturday and have been a cleaning fool since. I've done the stone flower beds out front, some of the brickwork, the sidewalk and am now in the process of cleaning the driveway. The driveway will take a while. Next.... the decks at home and at the lake place.

Well, Last Sunday was Mother's Day. Bobbie and I went out to dinner with mom, Paul,Margaret, and Karen. We went to 'Jean's On The River' in Argo.(Near Jasper) It was the first time B and me had been there. The food was good and the location was cool, on the banks of the Black Warrior river.

I do believe we'll head to the lake in the morning. I need to weed eat and cut the grass. B and I plan to take some time off work next week and spend a few days on the water. ... and I don't want us to have to be doing chores while we're there then. Next week, it'll just be fun in the sun ! . ... do a little boat riding, a little fishing, A little grilling, chase B around the trailer. Fun stuff! ;)
Ya'll come see us !
*********************************
Chinese Funny Proverbs:


Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
**********************************
Fini

Well, I guess that's enough for now. Post a comment, send an e-mail, give us a call. ... in other words, stay in touch ! Ya'll have a good weekend ! C'ya !
KEEP SMILING !!
-Doug-


 
 

Two More Jokes

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: silence ...
HUSBAND: "Oops!"

**********************************

The boss of a large company, needing to talk to one of his employees about an urgent computer problem, phoned the employee's home and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing increasingly more concerned as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?!?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whisper the child answered, "The search people just landed their hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, and with a muffled giggle, the young voice replied:
"ME."
**********************************
Today I was sufin' blogs and came across the above jokes and I wanted to share them.
I hope all ya'll have a great weekend. Sunday is Mother's Day. .... go see yo mama!
KEEP SMILING!
-Doug-

Two jokes and An Anecdote

Due to the fact that I'm working 2nd shift and haven't seen or spoke to anyone, I have nothing to put in a "At home" segment today. Instead I'll leave you with 2 jokes and and a anecdote. Enjoy.
KEEP SMILING!
-Doug-
********************************
First, The husband. ...


Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you, dear?" asked Farther O'Grady.

"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "My husband passed away last night."

"Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

"Yes...," Mary replied sheepishly.

"Well?"

"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'"
***********************************
Then, The Wife


Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved.

"Jake," she said.

"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted.

"Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must
confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."

Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it", he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"
***********************************
Anecdote:

Van Buren, Martin (1782-1862) US politician, 8th president of the United States


Van Buren was so obnoxious to the southern states that he received only nine popular votes there in his 1848 campaign, all from Virginia. his supporters raised a cry of fraud. " Yes, fraud, " said a Virginian, " and we are still looking for the son of a bit*h who voted nine times. "